After starting our IVF journey, I joined an IVF support group on Facebook. Everyone on there understood what we were going though. I posted that I wanted to highlight stories from others on this site and Adela reached out to me that she would be willing to share. Adela lives in the UK, so it's amazing to me that this unfortunate situation can bring people from all over the world together. She chose to write her story out and it shows how much our lives get so consumed by this process. Please read her story below and show her support on her path to becoming a mother!
When I was 16, my only worry was not to get pregnant… that is how my journey started. It started with gynea visit to get contraceptive pills. Most of my life I did everything to prevent pregnancy. In my first marriage I was sure I didn’t want kids because I knew my marriage wouldn’t last.
After divorce, I found a guy who wasn’t father material, then another and another and then some more and when I finally met my now husband to be, I was 35.5 and my partner 2 years older. At that time I was already 3 years off contraceptives and was safeguarding my body from pregnancy and diseases with condoms only. After year and half of dating, we moved in together and soon after we knew we want to have a family together. I still remember that morning after Halloween party when my partner asked me whether he should use condom. I remember the sudden flow of love and other emotions going through my entire body. I remember the feeling when we first let the seeds of love enter my body, the excitement and commitment to each other. I thought this is it! We will have a family! How little I knew at that time how many times we will have to plant those seeds and not for pleasure only.
This baby making has become a mission, time it right every month and make love leisurely was almost non-existent, making a baby turned out to be a hard work for both of us. Coming home tired from work, waking up extra early before work… you know the drill. At this time I was 37, and after 6 months of trying, I made my partner and myself visit a GP. My other half was against it, saying we haven’t been trying long enough… he changed his opinion after his sperm sample came back. His swimmers have picked up a little bit of his personality, they are a bit lazy and don’t want to move much… We also needed to find out if I might have also some factors that make us unable to get pregnant.
Doctors referred me to gynecologist and then they sent us to a fertility specialist. I went through various tests and all seemed ok with me, my hormones at right levels, I ovulated, my tubes were clear. All was well apart a few fibroids, which we were told they were outside uterine cavity and shouldn’t cause any issues. Sounds straight forward, only in England the NHS (National Health Service) is a lengthy process… it has taken over a year to get us to our first round of IVF - ICSI (one and only free of charge cycle). I was 38 then. I put all my hopes (and eggs) into one basket. I was worried it might not happen but I didn’t let myself to think that we won’t make our lab baby.
With my low reserve, I had only 10 follicles, 7 matured eggs of which only 4 fertilized. We went to day 5, but only 2 embryos made it all the way, so another elimination took place and on 8th March 2017 we were asked while I was lying with my legs widely spread open how many are we transferring. Having only 2 embryos of average quality, we were still naively thinking what if we end up with quadruples but decided to go for both and hoping we wouldn’t have 4 babies instead of one or 2. We decided to transfer both…..then the 2 long weeks of wait has commenced. I remember flying back abroad for Easter that was particularly cold that year and I wasn’t really having a down time, we were out and about and then 13 days after egg collection (8 days after embryo transfer) and a day before test day, I started to spot a little and then little bit more and more and then a full on and very heavy period arrived and the flow was so heavy that I couldn’t walk anywhere as my pad got soaked straight away when I got up.
This was 2 years ago. I was fine at first, for the full 3 weeks I thought I took it very well and then it hit me, from nowhere I ended up crying everywhere and anywhere. I ended up having a session with a therapist, then went on long haul holiday and decided to quit my job as I was blaming everything and anything for this failure. It took me a long time get over my loss – those little 2 embryos were inside me and I was meant to protect them and I failed. It hit me hard.
I wasn’t ready to give up, but I wasn’t ready to start all over again. I decided to get rid of my fibroids as researching online made me think, they might be the issue (even the doctor who performed the embryo transfer has mentioned them). Again, this has been a lengthy process and again it took over a year to have my surgery. While I was waiting for my surgery, I visited an acupuncturist, who specializes in infertility. She worked on me dramatically, watched my temperature, mixing herbs and sticking needles into my body. My partner has also been going for a few months but as there was still no result, he gave up. I kept going but month after month I was visited without a fail by aunty flow.
Few months passed and I was ready for my laparoscopic surgery, which turned, to my shock, into an open myomectomy (c-section cut). They have cleared me out of fibroids and endometriosis. 4 months after I underwent hysteroscopy and was told all looks good and I am ready to start trying again. This time I am already 40, we started to try straight away. I have started to take all fertility vitamins, still kept going for acupuncture, started sessions with a therapist to clear my head of anxiety, started meditating….regardless all, aunty flow has arrived each month. The decision has been made. We go privately for another IVF ICSI round, this time it comes from our pocket and we have to make sacrifices.
We found a clinic that has been recommended to us, close to my work, so ideal to just “pop” out in lunch break for a scan or blood test. We started at the end of January 2019 with a short protocol, different kind of medication (more kinds this time round). Everything went so quickly this time too, we became “pros” at injection preparations and injecting. We felt more confident this time and felt going private made a huge difference. This time I am at work environment where they totally support people who are going through fertility treatment and my boss has proved to be very supportive and understanding. It has made it so much easier to go for my appointments and not feeling guilty for taking time off for my scans/blood tests. This time round I felt more prepared and more confident.
I have done absolutely everything, had fibroids and endometriosis removed, changed my diet, avoided alcohol for months prior, took all the right vitamins and supplements, had regular acupuncture sessions, meditated, had therapy sessions and took a week off after my embryo transfer. We had only 5 eggs collected. 2 matured and fertilized over night. 2 more eggs matured over night too and injected with a sperm (they were a day delayed). So we ended up with 4 embryos again…this time we had 2 top quality transferred on day 3 and the remaining 2 went into blastocyst – but their quality was so poor they wouldn’t survive thawing, so again we had no embryos to freeze and only 2 to transfer.
This time we said right away, let’s put both in. This time, I kept taking my body basal temperature through the cycle (as it is my second nature now after years of ttc) and I knew in my heart this round has failed again because my temperature kept going up and down, it didn’t stay up. My mood was going up and down with the temperature. I was still deep down hoping. That 2nd week I had very poor sleep and very bad night sweats. I knew this is not right… 13 days after my egg retrieval (10 days after my 3-day embryo transfer) and 1 day before my test day I started to spot a little and then little more and then the history has repeated itself. By morning of my blood test day, I had a full on period. I still had to go for a blood test, which confirmed to me that I am not pregnant.
I am writing this 2 weeks after that test. I am sad, I am frustrated, angry, disappointed and hopeful that maybe next time we might create a baby that we so desire. I have put my life on hold and let this baby making business to rule our lives. Our wedding is on hold as the money is now being used on maybe a baby.
Next time round, I think I will just need to chill. I will book the holiday without a thought that I might be heavily pregnant.
We as women we go through so much pain, emotionally and physically when we can’t get pregnant naturally. We are strong but also so vulnerable at the same time. We might never end up with the little bundle of love but we have each other’s support even if we are all strangers. We have this huge burden in common, we all go through the same motions of our emotions. We all have this huge pain and even bigger hope that one day we will all be mothers. Some will have this dream to come true, some won’t….I wish my story was a hope giving story…but mine story hasn’t got to an end yet. I am 40 and still childless but who knows, maybe when I am 41, I will be pregnant or even hold my baby in my arms. This story is to be continued, because I am not done with it yet. Baby dust to all of you my dearest fertility friends.
Thank you for sharing Adela. I admire your determination to fulfill your dream of becoming a mother. Keep your head up and stay strong! I wish you the best Adela!
Until next time... JR.
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